Defer or Respect?

Michael Sadgrove, in his blogpost Defer! (Or not...), asks the question, 'Can a culture of deference be dangerous?' What happens when people defer too much to those in authority? You can read Michael Sadgroves's blogpost here

With his usual wisdom and perspicacity, Michael describes what he understands to be a healthy relationship between those in authority and those under authority. The relationship requires both parties to practise five 'virtues'. They are respect, honour, responsibility, loyalty and accountability. That other famous Michael - the priest in the TV drama Broken - shows us what a church that was less focused on deference and more focused on service might look like. It would be messier but somehow more whole and more recognisably engaged in the kinds of moral struggle that shaped Jesus' ministry.

The catalyst for this blogpost was, in part, the revelation of misused power contained in the Gibb report An Abuse of Faith published a couple of months ago. The report shows how possible it is for a person to manipulate their position of religious authority to gratify their own desires, abusing the power that has been vested in their particular office by an institution and misusing the personal mystique that attaches to their role to damage others.

As Michael says, 'deference is a risk wherever there are unequal power relationships.' I agree with his analysis of the virtues essential to good relationships but I would like to add one more and that is truth-telling. It seems to me that all relationships must, at their heart, have a central place for the speaking of truth. It is not possible to have any of the other virtues without truth. Deference can get in the way of truth when people under authority become disabled in their ability to speak out about whatever is important to them. Think of the overly strict parent who brings up a child too afraid to express their own opinion; too much deference leads to internalised frustration and passive aggressive behaviour. Or think of the worker who can see the solution to a problem clearly but dare not risk appearing to contradict or correct the boss's less informed approach; everybody in the workplace loses out. 

This is why most institutions have whistle-blowing policies and these are, of course, important. However, what is equally important is that cultures that promote or rely heavily on deference to those in authority (and especially where this is a small group of people) are aware of the effect this has on the organisation. Deference and respect are not quite the same thing and what, I think, makes them different is that it is possible to respect someone and speak one's own truth to them whereas it is sometimes necessary to remain silent in order to defer. Indeed you could argue that respecting someone requires you to speak the truth in the expectation that they will be willing to listen whereas deferring to someone might require you to hide your true position in terms of attitude and feelings as well as ideas and arguments. Deference can get in the way of truth-telling about events; respect commands and welcomes the telling of things-as-they-are. When we are deferred to, we are often in danger of hearing only what we wish to hear but when we are respected we are usually known for not ducking things we would rather not hear.

Cry for Help is a poem I wrote about the problems encountered by people who try to report abuse to institutions where authority and power demand deference and respect for the institution, prioritizing these above respect for the individual.